Wednesday, 26 November 2014

5 Types of Texting Personalities

Texting is the shit these days. It is slowly replacing the calls of good old days when the other person’s voice was the most important part of the communication. Today the voice just annoys the shit out of us because it ain’t Eminem. Texting has a lot of benefits too, just like e-mails used to have back in the ancient times. You are attending a boring presentation or a meeting, and you cannot talk on the phone of course to kill the boredom, you have messengers. At least 10 of them. And almost all your friends are using those. And chances are that you will find 4-5 of them as bored as you. Life is sorted even during the most boring time.
Like every good thing, even this comes with certain disadvantages. When there are people involved, annoyance is a part of the package. Every texter has a personality associated with his style of texting. Here are some of them.

Shrtct maniacs

They convert the simple and pretty ‘how are you’ into tasteless ‘hw r u’. The so called sms lingo is anything but sensible and logical. For someone who would swear in court with one hand on Oxford’s Guide to Grammar, this practice is obnoxious beyond limits. The precious nano-seconds saved here are invested in wiping the ass for an added duration. Their whole life is a typo for that matter. For the record, it took me a few days to get the meaning of 'bfn'. I was too ashamed to ask the sender about it. These days, I worship Urban Dictionary as much as Google.
text 1

Pehle jitna ho gaya utna bhejta hoon

You receive their texts as one word per text message.
God save your sanity if your notifications are not on silent. And imagine the sender being a part of sms lingo gang too. The urge to block that person first off the phonebook then off the planet grows stronger with the each such message. But before that, I would message them back saying:

The Alzheimer Texters and Ignorers

One of the most annoying kind. They see a message and ignore it. Like you don't even exist. At times they make a mental note to reply later and forget where they stored that note. Ask them a question and they reply to you in their head thinking the reply will reach you automatically. Are they going to invent a mind reader app for such people? No I don't need it. Also by general convention, never trust a person who doesn’t reply to messages.
text 3

The Heirs of Wren and Martin

They take their time but make sure their messages do not cause any discomfort to any grammar nazi and punctuation nazi in the vicinity. They cross check every word and ensure that every punctuation mark is at its rightful place. When you are talking to them, they interrupt you at least thrice in each statement that you make, correcting your grammar and pronunciation. Once I sent a mail to my senior and marked it urgent. He corrected grammar and punctuation errors in it and sent me back without really replying to it. Talk about OCDs..
text 5

The Shakespeares of Texting

They are some devout worshipers of GRE word glossaries. They have a vocabulary so advanced, even the auto-correct shits itself ‘I got nothing man.’ A conversation between two of this type would be orgasmic to the likes of pseudo Shakespeare. Every night after talking to them I dream of my ex girlfriend reading out English Literature to me to teach me some of those words.
texting 4
And me? I talk to these people to observe how they text so that I can write about them and create cool graphics.

First published here - Campusghanta.

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

International Men's Day - As Commissioned by Women

Men, scientifically termed as asshole sapiens by the disgruntled women population have been generously assigned a day to give them an illusion of being special even if for one day. And contrary to popular beliefs, every day is not men’s day. That specially anointed day happens to be 19th November, today. Just an FYI, today also happens to be the International Toilet Day. Well played ladies. Also Men’s day and Women’s day are kept months apart to prevent any harassment, keeping India in mind of course.

Fathers, brothers, husbands, boyfriends, ex-boyfriends and the brutally friend-zoned fraternity generally constitute half the world’s population lovingly called ‘men’. The International Men’s Day is not supposed to be a competition to International Women’s Day. In fact it is an opportunity to highlight gender-specific issues of male health and wellbeing. So that’s that. However, it may be considered as a symbolic day against the inhumane behavior world’s husbands and boyfriends are subjected to throughout the year.

In this patriarchal society of ours, men are expected to be the bread-earners in a family. They are expected to take responsibility of the family. They are expected to be support their family by all means necessary and they do. And this has become a convention so much so that the lack of power in any manner hurts a man’s bubbling ego. However what hurts us men is the constant bashing that comes with being a man. Think about it and you’ll know what I mean.

A fair amount of injustice is directed at men for reasons known to women only. Men are supposed to pay for the dinner every fucking time in the name of chivalry. I mean financially they are almost always broke. Women should notice this when they are eyeing that fancy most expensive thing on the menu no one can pronounce properly and the boy or the grown ass man accompanying them is sitting there content with his glass of water desperately searching for the cheapest edible thing available because he is fucking hungry. Not to mention that this dinner of yours was financed by a joint dating account some handful of single friends came up with for occasions like this. And then instead of some gratitude women stomp on their hopeful hearts uttering thing like ‘I like you as a friend’. So much energy goes into controlling that rage.

Then there is a concept of ‘ladies first’. Regardless of whether it is deciding who gets on the lifeboats first in the Titanic or escaping the concentration camps, men have to abide by the social convention of ‘ladies first’. Women even have their own day before men in the calendar. Granted men have an urge to bring a smile on the ladies’ faces but there’s no acceptable reason for them to get the pizza first.

Also men are expected to please women, to propose marriage, to ask them out, to open gates for them, for husbands to run errands which I guess they brought upon themselves by proposing to begin with. All the name of chivalry - something women complain is dead even though it cannot logically exist in an equal society, which is something women wanted. It's one or the other.

I would gladly put this rant to fire if women show some gratitude for the good things men do. Some of them are dicks, agreed, but the majority of men are pure of heart and soul. So on this pious day blessed by the old gods and the new, I would request women to honor the courage and the bravery and the chivalry of men, pay for dinner at least today, open doors for us even if to bash it on our face for the remaining year, let us have beers, pizzas first and for the sake of God do not crib about toilet seats and towels on the bathroom floor. For once, allow gentlemen first.

So today is the International Men’s Day, where the fuck is my cake ??

Thursday, 13 November 2014

Rohit Sharma – The Man, The Maverick

From once being Maggi’s unofficial ambassador to becoming the badass who has now scored two double centuries in one day cricket, Rohit Sharma has matured as a cricketer. Social media woke up from it’s customary hibernation and the news spread that Rohit Sharma has rocketed past that landmark score of 200 once blessed by Sachin himself. A gentlemen complained that he had gone to take a piss and when he came back Rohit was past the 250 mark – first time it has happened in one day cricket. And for the record, Rohit has scored 264 (173) those who have no idea what we’ll be talking about for the next few minutes.

Rohit Sharma was once hailed as the next big thing in Indian cricket. Cricketing bigwigs identified and acknowledged the promise Rohit showed. But he hardly was able to do justice to those claims at the international stage. He did however display glimpses of his skill, but unfortunately lacked consistency. He found himself out of the team XI and lost his place to other worthy competitors in Suresh Raina and Virat Kohli. The biggest disappointment in his career however was not being a part of World Cup squad which had Nehra and Ishant to boast of, and they eventually turned out to be a world conquering combination.

He became the butt of jokes and found harsh criticism directed right at him. There was once a time when children bought Maggi by saying ‘bhaiyya do Rohit Sharma dena’. But just like Sir Ravindra Jadeja rose from the ashes to prove his worth, Rohit too saw a change in fortune and led his Mumbai Indians side to the IPL crown as well as the Champions League title. He also managed to get into the test squad and has a couple of centuries under his belt.

But it was his amazing achievements in ODI cricket that left everyone flabbergasted and amazed. Once Sachin officially declared the 200-run club open for entry, Rohit has pretty much owned that club. When Sachin scored 200, the world thought this is the record that will stand for decades. When Sehwag shattered the Master’s holy record, the world though “Well this is it. This one will stand for decades for sure.” But then Rohit made a joke out of the record and banged the hapless Sri Lankan side left right and center and scored 264 runs and the mayhem lasted till the final ball of the innings.

Incidentally this was the second time Rohit, or any batsmen for that matter has breached the 200-run mark TWO FUCKING TIMES. So yes he definitely is an experienced player when it comes to this particularly exclusive club. The first time it was the widely respected Australian bowling attack that bore the brunt of this maverick. The second time today, he went one step ahead and practically ripped through every ounce of self-respect a Sri Lankan bowler plays with.

Rohit’s success can be largely attributed to his meeting with PM Modi a few weeks ago. And out of respect Sofia Hayat has already shed her clothes saluting his brave innings. Poonam Pandey probably was fast asleep and missed out but keeping fingers crossed :p. Incidentally India has also scored 400+ runs in a match the most number of times but that hardly matters. And spare a though for another Sharma who lies on other end of the ‘talent’ spectrum – Ishant. Wake up man, subah ho gayi. Sri Lanka was not humiliated like today since Lord Rama.

Take a bow Master. Today was the ‘Holy Shit’ and ‘What the fuck’ day in cricket. Won’t ever be forgotten for the writer shares his surname with the man himself.

Also published at Campusghanta.

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