Tuesday, 28 October 2014

The Different Types of Hostelers Found in Nature

Living in a hostel is an experience completely different from that comfort of homes. It is a life full of adventures free from the restrictions of parent’s permissions. There is no one to scrutinize your every move. And there are different variety of hostelers too. Here are some…

The Laptop-maniac...
These guys are in a symbiotic relationship with their laptops. They eat with the laptop on, check the torrent status first thing in the morning, the hard disks are filled with movies and TV series from all over the globe. You can find them in the same position at any given point of time. You just name what you want. If it exists in electronic format (songs, movies, xxx), they have it.

The Solitary Reapers...
These guys, as the name suggests, are found in single-bedded rooms, all alone. Some of them happen to be the toppers of institute, maligning the entire hostel fraternity. But consider this, with an entire room at your service, lockable from inside; studies are not the only thing worth doing....

For the complete article please visit Campusghanta. Please.

Monday, 27 October 2014

Surviving with a Nokia Handset

Someone using a non-lumia Nokia phone is today’s age of android and iOS domination deserves being pointed at and laughed at. And his phone surely deserves a respectable spot in a decent museum of antique objects. I am not saying they are bad, just that they are a thing of past. And living with and surviving with one such device surely and deservedly asks for a feature spot with Bear Grylls. It’s sad that they will not be a part of humanity’s future.

There once was a glorious past of Nokia. They churned out mobile handsets sturdier than the toughest military arsenals. The handsets of the class of 3315 were transported with utmost care lest one of them fall off the airplane and wipe out the entire humanity as we know it. The standout Nokia ringtones made the Motorolas and Samsungs tremble in fear. To top it all off they had calling facilities as a bonus to the military capabilities. Also they had features unimaginable in today’s pitiful phones – polyphonic ringtones and an option to create one ourselves (that nostalgic music functionality), drawing images and lot more. I dare you android users for a one-on-one in Space Impact.

But as it turned out, some idiot decided to poke phones right on the face and viola – touchscreens. And since that unfortunate Eureka moment, going has been tough for the Nokia fraternity. Non-touchscreen phone are on their way out today, a majority of those branded Nokia. I do not feel sorry for Nokia though. It’s difficult to carry on such high expectations.

Nokia currently are in the middle of a dubious present. Their brand ‘Nokia’ is as good as wiped out after their acquirer Micro-goddamn-soft decided to remove the Nokia tag from the probably the remnants of Nokia – the lumia phones. This is the closest demonstration of ‘naam mitti mein mila dena’. Although fine feature phones, the current generation lacks even a remote resemblance to Nokia’s old toughness. Probably just a bunch of weaklings they are.

The future is very bleak and no surprises there. The current generation of phones is dominated by touchscreens which fall out on slightest hint of impact. We very badly need the resurrection of 3315 and ‘The Return Of The 3315’. The legend of 3315 is next to impossible to replicate. They were the Sachin of cellphones.

Now surviving with a Nokia non-lumia phone in today’s world is an achievement unlocked in itself. A majority of the day is spent toggling between its spineless features and scavenging for that ever eluding patli pin wala charger. The battery dies minutes after complete charging. The entire device dismantles into million pieces after a 1-foot drop reminding me of the crater outside my house my old Nokia 3315 helped create. I search for some good features I might have missed after all these years as I leer at those mouth-watering touchscreen phones.

The Nokia store has dried up as far as old phones are concerned. There is WhatsApp then there are internet browsers and then there is WhatsApp again. This is my life – not enough motivation to continue living. Or maybe it’s just that my life is beyond crap.

People staring at my phone on buses and trains are extra creepy and even more so when they show sympathetic reactions. They do so probably because seeing a Nokia device with someone is amusing as they seem to be extinct by common perception. Every use of my current Nokia phone is cry for help – utha le bhagwan. And I am extremely sorry for my decade long loyalty to Nokia, but I am thinking of ditching the current phone the first chance I get.

Gone are those days when people swore by Nokia phones. They could be slipped into a toolbox in place of a hammer and no one batted an eye. They could have been a part of the survival kit on airplanes. The crew of Oceanic 815 could really use one as they had a battery life of eternity. I still have a 3315 at home and not surprisingly, it still works fine even after a decade of being banged around. I use it for working out whenever I am at home. Nice dumbbells they are.

Those days will be missed sorely.

Wednesday, 22 October 2014

इंजिनियर और उनके काम !!!

दीवाली खुशियों का त्योहार है| चारों तरफ रोशनी और खुशहाली का माहॉल होता है| हर कंपनी में कर्मचारी अपने बोनस का इंतज़ार और अपने बॉस की दरियादिली की कामना करते हैं| इन सबसे दूर एक दुनिया है जहाँ इंजिनियर एक अलग ही ज़िंदगी बिताते हैं – खुशहाली से कोसों दूर| इंजिनियरिंग विद्यार्थी दीवाली की छुट्टियों में घर तो जाते ही हैं सिवाए उनके जो GATE या  CAT आदि के लिए अपने पेन पेपर पर रगड़ रहे होते हैं|

घर पहुँचते ही धूल में सनी लाइट की लड़ी घरवाले अपने एलेक्ट्रिकल इंजिनियर बेटे के हाथों में ये कहकर थमा देते हैं की “बेटा अब तू फाइनल इयर में है| ये लाइट ठीक कर दे|” अब लड़का किस मुँह से बताए की जनाब circuits and systems के पेपर में बैक लाए थे जो दो साल से क्लियर ही नही हो रही| घरवाले सीना चौड़ा कर के पड़ोसियों को बोलके आते हैं की बेटा एलेक्ट्रिकल इंजिनियर है बिजली का काम मुफ़्त में कर देगा| कम से कम पड़ोसियों को तो लगेगा की लड़का किसी काम का है|

एक मेकॅनिकल इंजिनियर घर जाकर पिताजी के पैर छूता है तो पिताजी आशीर्वाद देने की जगह बाहर धूप में खड़े प्राचीन-कालीन स्कूटर की और इशारा करके उसे ठीक करने का आदेश दे डालते हैं| लड़का बेबस कभी अपने पिताजी को तो कभी स्कूटर को देखता है और ऑटोमोटिव इंजिनियरिंग का वो लेक्चर याद करता है जब उसे क्लास से बाहर निकाला गया था|

यही हाल है कंप्यूटर इंजिनियर का भी है| एक महीना कंप्यूटर खराब रहता है की बेटा होस्टेल से आके ठीक करेगा अपनी छुट्टी में| दरवाज़े पर ही उसके स्वागत में थपाक से हाथ में मदरबोर्ड थमा दिया जाता है| पड़ोस में रहने वालों को भी भनक लग जाती है की शर्मा जी के घर कंप्यूटर ठीक करने वाला आ गया है| रात को डिन्नर के टाइम पे माँ अगले दिन की आइटिनररी सुनाती हैं, “वर्मा जी, गुप्ता जी का कंप्यूटर फॉर्मॅट कर देना कल और मेहता जी के कंप्यूटर में कोई कार्ड वॉर्ड लगाना है, ग्राफ कार्ड जैसा कुछ शायद|

ना जाने क्यूँ लेकिन हिन्दुस्तान के मिड्ल क्लास में ये जो रूढ़िवादी (stereotypical) सोच बनी हुई है वो हँसी के काबिल तो ज़रूर है| जिस देश में एलेक्ट्रीशियन, मेकॅनिक और साइबर कैफ़े वालों से ज़्यादा इंजिनियर हैं वहाँ ऐसी सोच कुछ ज़्यादा आश्चर्यजनक नही कही जा सकती| फिर भी सभी इंजिनियर की और से *फेसपाम*| उम्मीद है दीवाली कुछ रौनक लेकर आए और इंजिनियर पर हो रहे ऐसे अत्याचार बंद नही तो कम तो अवश्य हो जायें|

Friday, 17 October 2014

IIPM, Arindam Chaudhury and the Ponytail

We’ve all known him for very long. We have all identified his ponytail from miles away. What a sad little life that ponytail must have. And we’ve all saluted his courage. He is the one who dared to think beyond the IIMs by shoving a ‘P’ in the acronym. Arindam Chaudhury ladies and gentlemen – the honorary dean of it all !! Just for your information, he is 3 time national award winner, author of 5 books and a graduate of *drum roll* IIPM. And just somehow, he has also worked with the Planning Commission, GoI. No surprise why the current government is toiling hard to recover from the setback.

For the complete article please visit Campusghanta.

Sunday, 12 October 2014

Across the International Border

A 10 year old sluggish boy throws stones at a full grown 25 year old professional wrestler then runs back to a third party requesting to intervene because the wrestler decides to return the favor and throws those stones backthe India-Pakistan’s IB ceasefire issue doesn't get put into simpler words. Pakistan has been known to violate the ceasefire agreement continuously on a regular basis. India hardly retaliated back so it came as a shock to Pakistan when the change in government resulted in a change in India’s stance towards these violations. And Pakistan ran to the UN asking them to intervene. It’s pretty much like poking a giant panda with a sharp knife and running to WWF when the animal has exhausted his patience. Hats off.

The root cause of Pakistan’s Army’s persistent firing across the border is their ego. Pakistani Army and Pakistani government are two sides of different coins. They do not seem to be in communication with one another. When Pakistan’s foreign minister disguises himself/herself as an ambassador of peace and visits India, ironically Pakistan’s army is firing all cylinders back at the border, oblivious to the fact that one of their own is in the country they are firing at. Or maybe they just don’t give a damn. Pakistan’s army and ISI have always tried to overshadow their government’s efforts, possibly honest ones, to setup peace talks with India. But all those efforts are flushed down the toilet by a single bullet fired across the border by the Pak army.

Now why is Indian retaliation in order to safeguard their border such a big deal ?? How is it acceptable to take a beating time and again and not fight back ?? The most patient virtues tumble at some point. As it turns out, India’s answer to Pakistan’s firing is a lot more ferocious and intense then their usual shelling. The Indian army and the BSF have been given complete control by the Indian government to act. And the recent retaliation just seems to be ‘Act I’ of seemingly long play. The previous government, much like the PM, was mum to the firing across the border which Pakistan misleadingly assumed as complete autonomy to do whatever they wanted without the slightest fear of an Indian answer. The government changed and so did the India’s stance at the border.

Pakistan is running for cover and understandably so. To begin with, they ran to the UN and expressed their shock at the heavy firings from the Indian side as Pakistan’s Ranger were just carrying out their ‘usual firing at the border’. They mistook the UN for the US – Pakistan’s usual savior. Times have changed and the government too. The safest way for Pakistan to save their already depleting strength of the army from India’s wrath is, well, to fuck off. India is a peaceful nation. No one argues that notion. But there is only so much pressure even diamond can withstand. Patience is a virtue better left untested, especially when you are up against the 3rd largest army on the globe. 

Friday, 10 October 2014

Presentations and the Soul-Sucking

Some unfortunate soul standing in the middle of a room sheepishly trying to smile and pretending to be confident while a faculty member stares right back at him, determined and with a vendetta to cross-question the shit out of whatever he has to offer – this seems like a fairly accurate definition of any presentation in a college.

The intensity of scrutiny of every word of his slides depends primarily on the honorary title a particular presentation receives. And also directly on the faculty and how much he has suffered in his life up until the particular moment leading to the presentation. A nightmare 5 minutes before the slideshow may bring out the Satan in him and ruin your day, possibly even your life.

There are all kinds of presentation as hinted previously. There are seminars, training viva, project defenses and also the fuck-it-I-won’t-teach-this-topic-YOU-will-make-a-presentation-on-this-topic and depends on the lecturers mood. The latter happens quite often I’ve heard although I never had the opportunity of being on the center-stage myself.

I had a seminar today. It went well I guess. I had a training viva last month which went well, for the examiners as in they had a field day cross-questioning and then laughing their asses off when I couldn’t answer. Even the lab assistant joined in and shared a laugh. I am happy they bonded at my expense. I had a training viva last year as well. The faculty last year happened to take one of my lectures as well. He took out the attendance register and I drew blank. After that is was a downhill experience.

These presentations are mock setup to satisfy some faculties urge to suppress the students or humiliate them. No offence. It’s just another day at the job. The only thing that makes a presentation worth the pain in the ass that it is, is the fact that some of the faces staring back at you are familiar, are your friend’s. You get a feeling they have your backs, that they won’t question you back. Some assholes do though. And I pray they get a special place in hell.

Tuesday, 7 October 2014

The Perverted Minds.

Breasts and cleavages have become a part of the news headlines. The obsession of a significant part of the population has made it into national dailies. Women are subjected to heinous rapes every other day. Even innocent girls aged 3 are raped. What did they do to deserve that?? What have we done as a society to deserve such barbaric criminals??

Journalism these days seems to have accepted and surrendered to the pervert-ness prevalent in the society. To garner readership and views and traffic (in case of e-versions of news), the news agencies are providing fodder to the mentality of the perverts and deteriorating in the ethics of journalism in the process. The recent furor over a news headline shared by a leading national daily in which Deepika Padukone’s cleavage was the center of attention is an apt example. There was a widespread protest over such atrocious objectification of a woman that too in a newspaper of nation-wide readership. Deepika herself came out with a prompt and courageous reply. The newspaper however followed up with blatant refusal to accept blame and mentioned they were appreciating the actress’s beauty. Okay. But what about the rest of the zoomed up displays of breast and cleavages which fills up the entertainment pages of most of the news portals.

Is it even justified to try to justify such objectified portrayals of the better half of the population??

But seriously, is the newspaper really to blame?? It just tried to cater to the outrageous mentality of the society of staring at bare legs and breasts all the time. The fact that it happened in the national level news portal is what brought it to attention and attracted the social media’s ire. But what about those sick stares our friends, sisters have to tackle during their daily travel in a bus or a metro?? Who is to check and counter them??

Then there are news reporting rapes one after the other in different parts of the country. Those animals do not spare the innocence of a 3 year old even, scarring her for the rest of her life. But there is hardly any follow up over such incidents unless the social media takes up to protest the atrocious level of the crime. The police, the law enforcers, hardly show any eagerness to catch the criminals.

Like most of the issues faced by the society, this has a solution. The media houses have the power to influence people. And this responsible power is being increase popularity at any cost possible. Instead it would be more beneficial if the media houses come together and enforce a more ethical code of journalism. Appreciate the beauty, not objectify it.

And as part of the society, we seriously need to curb the perversion. Alcohol and a horny man is a dangerous combination. The police needs to invest more in the safety of the women. And the police needs to be more active and eager to fight such heinous criminals.

Also, fellow horny Indians, “Keep your eyes down and dicks in check.”

Sunday, 5 October 2014

A day in hostel. Without porn.

Oye porn padi hai ??” the calmness of my dreamy sleep was disturbed by an eerie humanoid silhouette towering over my bedside. I returned back to the present, booted my brain and noticed the familiar face in that silhouette.
Nahi hai” I replied.
Saale 100 GB ki to thi tune copy LAN se. Kahan gayi ??”
Ghar gaya tha kal. Delete karni padi saari. Papa  ka laptop kharab ho gaya tha. Mera lappy tha unke paas pura time.” I replied, saddened by what I had to do forcibly. “10 GB ke pravachan, bhajan pade hain. Chahiye to bol.” I added.

I was wide awake by then. Stretched my hand and grabbed my phone to check the time. It was 5:59 AM, still a minute to go before the first of my seven set alarms starts on full blast. I was sitting on my bed, all ready to jump out and start the day before deciding against it and hit the pillow instead. Then I held my phone and began the daily routine – Facebook, Gmail, Twitter.

After spending some considerable amount of time, 21 minutes to be precise, refreshing the tabs I finally gave up and found myself standing on my very own feet, outside the comfort of the bed. I stepped out of the room into the open, and the sight was pretty wonderful. Life is good if you wake up at 6 in the morning. I stepped back in, grabbed my toothpaste and toothbrush and headed to the washroom.

The water tanks were empty, this I realized partially when I opened the tap and partially by a voice emanating from a toilet one floor down, “Bhenchod paani khatam ho gaya.” I embarked upon my journey to find greener pastures where they have water in washrooms.

I woke up my roommate when I returned with cleaner teeth and opened my laptop to check the status of the torrents from the previous day. Three torrents with green bars implying 100% completion gave me a sense of accomplishment. I mean how can someone not be ecstatic when downloads are completed. So the previous day’s to-do list got updated to watching 3 movies all day.

The beautiful sight outside had me in the illusion that somehow it was a Sunday. Unfortunately it was the next day. I had lectures scheduled throughout the day and a lab after lunch. After a brief consideration, I decided to, well fuck the schedule. It hasn’t helped my academics one bit. I hopped onto the bed and started the first movie. ‘Schindler’s List’ the folder said. However, it turned out to be a bad print of ‘Housefull 2’. The torrent was disguised as a classic movie. Khola folder nikli tatti. Well played Sajid Khan. I took this as a preview of the disappointments I was to face in the near future.

Now attending the lectures was out of the question because ek baar jo maine commitment kardi… So I picked a different movie, then another. Went 4 floors down for lunch, looked at the food available, inedible. Came back to the room and decided it was Maggi time. Trust me, they are essential for survival after air and water. The mess workers just hump every edible thing to soak out their soul.

As I mentioned before, I had run out of porn so couldn’t really benefit from the roommate’s absence. And I was tired of watching movies all day and reruns of ‘Friends’ for the umpteenth time. I spent the entire day watching videos on YouTube. Cats. Dogs. Idiots. More cats. Babies. Shit. I was so bored that at one point I almost pulled out a book out of the locker. Yeah I know. I am ashamed of that. Sorry. I had an option of actually getting the fuck out and play something. But there were no friends left for brief a counter strike spell. That’s the limitations of staying behind during holiday season when all friends run off to their mommies. So I opened my laptop and wrote this pointless piece of shit.

I booted my laptop and stared at the ni … err… into the eyes of Alexandra Daddario. And I could imagine her feeling sorry for my pitiful state. I clicked on the MyComputer icon and there I stared again… at the desolate hard disks, deserted by the deleted stash of porn. A sudden purge of guilt surrounded me and there I was knocking on every door of every room, “Bhai porn padi hai ??

An understanding soul obliged and showed me his collection. I can now proudly say I’ve seen heaven.  I noticed the size of that folder. It was approximately a 200GB worth of pure pleasure. I hugged him out of pure brotherly love and respect. There was about one week still remaining before my roommate was scheduled to return. Let your imagination run wild. It was undoubtedly the busiest week of my otherwise pathetic college life.

Bhai itna maal kahan se laate ho ??
Girlfriend.” he replied in the most casual manner possible for such an answer. “DU mein hain bandi meri. Wahan download speed sahi aati hai.

I stood up. *roadies salute*. In fact we all should cherish such bilateral ties and these relationships should be declared national heritage. I politely bowed my head and said, “Namaste” and was on my way back to my room. You never shake hands with the owner of a 200 GB stash of porn. Anyway, I now think I found my best friend.

All hail YouPorn. 
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