Wednesday, 29 January 2014

Frankly Shitting.

An engineering student’s fear, a job interviewee’s worst nightmare, the giant slayer - well ... that is Arnab for you. He is an external examiner no student would want to be within 10 feet of. He is a dementor capable of sucking out your very reason to live. And recently, Rahul Gandhi found himself in the same room as Arnab, for close to 80 minutes. It was child abuse at its extreme worst, a brutal butchering of logical answering which may put even an engineering student to shame.

It all started with a friendly handshake. Arnab started by reminding Rahul that it was his 10th year as an MP and first formal interview ever. The reason Rahul put forth for why it took him so long for a formal interview was that he was mostly concerned with ‘internal party work’. Yeah right! One thing impressive about Rahul, and he sure should put it up his resume, was that he audaciously questioned back the man himself. One simply does not question Arnab. Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever. Never.

For more on the latest media sensation, visit Campusghanta.

Friday, 24 January 2014

Shattered Dreams


These walls, these restraints, they are my friends,
The lonesome hours, staring into space, are my companion,
And the punctual sunshine, the scented breeze, my lovers.
I wonder what I did wrong, so I could take that back,
For I have no home to call my own, no family to run back to.

The ecstatic chatter of kids playing in a familiar shadow,
Is no more than painful noise, and I envy their smile.
Father, mother, brother, sister – words my senses are oblivious to.
My family is confined to my vague, subtle dreams,
And I so eagerly wait for the night, for my sleep.

There’s nothing I wouldn’t trade for a mother’s warmth,
And for a father’s scolding, for a friendly banter with a sibling.
My Dreams were a mirage, this I came to realize,
As I stood there and stared back at the thousand reflections,
In the broken pieces of my shattered dreams.


The First Date !!




With earphones in, Vedant was silently humming the songs and dancing his head matching the beats. It was a sparse crowd that day, not too crowded but just enough to make a vacant seat a luxury. Ved, as his loving ones called him, was busy with own little musical world.

SLAP !

This sudden, random soft hand landing on his face, startled him. It was in a long time that he had felt the sensation of a slap. Of course, he was notorious in his school days, but this was different.
“WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? YOU THINK YOU WILL GET AWAY WITH THIS?” the lady shouted, boiling red with anger.
“Let me tell you mister, I am calling security right at the next stop. They will beat the shit out of you. Asshole” she continued in her raging voice.
Ved was still coming to terms with what just happened. He reacted by snatching away her cellphone. She gasped at his audacity.

Wednesday, 22 January 2014

App Review - f.lux

Cellphones and laptops have become an integral part of our sorry lives. The point is that we are always staring into a screen for most part of our day. After struggling for hours convincing ourselves to go to sleep, the lights are switched off finally but the moron in our brains is wide awake and we find ourselves staring right back at the bright screen of the high-end smartass phone. An asshole calls at 4 in the morning and you have floodlights preventing you from seeing his name on the caller ID. You open your laptop to complete the project due that day and the bright laptop screen blinds you.
Problem ?? Here’s a solution.
App – f.lux.
Platforms – Available on Windows, Mac, Linux, iPhones and ipads.
Price – Free! icon biggrin App Review   f.lux

What does it do ??
f.lux makes the color of your computer’s display adapt to the time of day, warm at night and like sunlight during the day. f.lux makes your computer screen look like the room you’re in, all the time. When the sun sets, it makes your computer look like your indoor lights. In the morning, it makes things look like sunlight again.
How to go about it ??
As mentioned earlier, f.lux adjusts the screen brightness according to the time of the day taking the position of the sun as a reference. You can set the warmth to satisfy your requirements during the day as well as for the night. You can set your location by entering the zipcode or the exact coordinates. The transition speed (transition between different warmth levels) can be set to slow (20sec) or fast (60min).
flux App Review   f.lux
Different modes like safe mode, movie mode and darkroom mode are available. Also, warmth can be set for the night time. The adjustments can also be disabled.
flux 3 100066046 gallery App Review   f.lux
Should I try it ??
Okay, it’s not like an unprotected sex from where there’s no turning back. It’s a pretty useful app for the crazies who are madly in love with their laptops (lappy as they call it) and couldn’t get their eyes off it. And also for the smarties and their late night chats with the loved ones. As they say – use protection, even for the eyes. F.lux is an app ‘for your eyes only.’
I would recommend that you give it a try.
The app can be downloaded from here – Download f.lux.

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

The Death of SMS


Well no, this post does not refer to Sardar Manmohan Singh, rather the real SMS – Standard Message Service. I am assuming most of us guys and gals who can pay for their broadband and crawl upto this piece, are past their SMS-ing days. We have moved over to greener pastures – WhatsApp (green icon ;)), BBM, Snapchat, Hike, WeChat and the likes. Let’s take a moment out of our busy chatting schedules and remember the long lost friend of ours – the SMS, which is on its deathbed as of this very moment.

For the toddlers who grew up sucking on the touchscreens, SMS is, or better, ‘used’ to be a text messaging client critical to mobile phones. The day cellphones started fitting in our pockets, SMS became an integral part of our day to day communications. Earlier in the days, calling our beloved ones showed our concern. As the world shrunk and social interactions started turning into luxury, SMSes came in handy, or maybe they were the reason.

And unless the modern day chatting services, it cost you to use the SMS service – a prime reason for its downfall. The free services provide better alternatives. Nowadays, an SMS is a luxury and if you receive one even from some crappy weight loss or hair fall prevention clinic, consider yourself privileged. If a guy texts you just because you don’t have a WhatsApp on your cellphone, marry him.

We have already lost the services of the Telegram, which was declared dead and taken off the ventilator support last year. The guys who have cellphone below the grades of a Nokia S40, are looked down upon. Stop this discrimination. Let’s pledge to SMS our friend in a different city then ours and make this world a happy place.

Thursday, 9 January 2014

Girls


Girls – a mere five letter word hides behind a veil, a mystery unresolved till date. They are one of the most mysterious creatures ever to walk the planet. You cannot understand girls. That tingly little feeling you get when you think you have understood your girl, is the biggest deception there is.
The creator of the universe didn’t dare to think beyond the IIMs, hence missed out on the honor of being an IIPM-ian. The lack of His management expertise is evident in the way He managed the project of populating Earth. A major technical glitch resulted in the most mysterious species ever known – Girls. Some features are sure creative. But the guy who programmed their brains must have been some inexperienced fresher. He unknowingly created an unsolvable, uncrack-able puzzle for the rest of humanity to solve. As far as the mysteries are concerned, they are mysterious in themselves. They can’t be categorized, thus multiplying the complexity. There is no practical or theoretically possible starting point and no end to that. Every new definition challenges the previous one.
The idea that everything can be understood, solved and remodeled goes down the drain when it comes to the creatures we are discussing. Girls are an exception to every possible theory in the galaxy. One day you meet the perfect girl. She laughs with you, she is comfortable enough to cry in front of you, she trusts you with her deepest secrets. Then someday you ask her out on a date and BAM… you have a sister now. Or as an equally painful alternative, you are sentenced to friendzone for life. I mean what’s up with that ladies ??
Understanding a girl is like downloading a 1 GB file on a painstaking broadband connection over two weeks because, let’s say  you really like that file, and after 99.7% success, the Gods of downloading get pissed off and you are left with nothing, nothing at all. You are expected to have a doctorate in girlology, without a lecture. And here is the catch – just like human fingerprints and zebra’s stripes, every girl is different from the next. All your studies and research on a subject holds no validity over the next one.
Being with a girl (girl-friend or a girlfriend), you are required to be nothing short of Sherlock’s caliber in interpreting the slightest clues you get, spread over months apart it goes without saying. And my friend, the journey is nothing less than a treasure hunt.
Anyway, with all the love and respect I could muster, thank you for the mystery of a lifetime ladies. I would now like to retire to my chamber of secrets, with my solitude.
The possible reason why this article, as a whole, makes no sense is because…well, look at the topic, isn’t it obvious??
[It is immoral and unconstitutional to throw stones at the writer after this article.]

Also published on the awesome site Campusghanta.

Babuji – The Sanskari Vigilante



Some 9 years after the asanskaari Britishers left the country for good, a doctor shouted, “badhai ho, babuji huye hain.” A soothing breeze started blowing, the incense sticks lightened up all of a sudden. Gods rejoiced. The world, brimming with chaos, disorder and degrading family values, gave birth to a vigilante. He was born with a divine tilak on his forehead, and with a complete set of Bhushan Kumar’sbhajans and aartis. He blessed the doctors and offered to do the kanyadan of all the nurses.
Growing up, his life changed when he saw his closest friends being overpowered by porn in the dark alley behind the park. He vowed to fight off the evil asanskaaris till his last breath and to avenge his friend’s lost morality. He took upon himself to teach values to the rest of humanity straying from the ethical path.
His fatheronce told him, “With great sanskaar, comes greater responsibility.” Alok Nath strategically chose the virtual, 70mm medium to increase the reach of his sanskaar. He pledged to never play a role other than babuji. At an age where Hrithik Roshan plays a superhero, Alok Nath played  babuji. It is only due to babuji’s sanskaar that Salman is a virgin till date.
The superhuman sanskaars don’t come without challenges. Over the years, babuji has faced and defeated bad guys countless number of times. His first major nemesis was Prem Chopra. He raped girls by the dozens. Babuji had personally done their kanyadaans and couldn’t bear this anymore. When they came face to face one night, babuji launched his sanskaar attack and Prem Chopra is yet to rape another victim. Similar is the case with the ultimate badass guy – Gulshan Grover. One fine day he ran into Babuji and his badass antics toned down a bit.
For years, Alok Nath safeguarded his alter ego Babuji from the social media fanatics. A minor slip up and he was all over the network. Accepting the direct threat it could bring down, he didn’t deny it and in a press conference, admitted, “I am babuji.” It sent waves of terror down the spines of the asanskaari.His biggest nemesis Yo Yo Mandarin dared to tease his bahu out in the night. Babuji kicked his sorry ass right in his own den. Yo Yo flew off but his songs are still terrorizing millions. Babuji is our last hope and I am sure he will not let us down.
Everybody needs a hero. Babuji is a hero the world needs. You can take away his property, you can take away his bank balance, but there is one thing you can’t take away – his sanskaar.

Tuesday, 7 January 2014

Engineers - The Superhumans

Engineer

Apparently, etymology suggests that the word Engineer is derived from ‘anjaneyar’ which refers to Hanuman who helped build a bridge and didn’t hang around with girls. Following in his footsteps, the entire engineering fraternity has embraced the principle of celibacy (brahmcharya). They only offer themselves as a sacrifice to the holy matrimony (arranged marriage hi naseeb hoti hai engineers ko). However, like in every cultural practice, there exist some defaulters who violate this holy principle and hang out with their girlfriends.
Sometime during childhood, an inevitable question is put in front of every student in India – bade hokar kya banoge?? Most of the innocent minds reply with doctor or engineer. Teachers and parents take this joke literally. Those who dare to dream of becoming a cricketer are beaten to pulp back home, and their answers turn to either engineer or doctor the very next day. Now, the obsession with marks and grades increases tenfold. Engineers are nothing but the victims of this carefully planned conspiracy. They fall prey to peer pressure and choose science over arts and commerce. The world never remains the same again.
Their daily life is overpowered by integration and differentiation. A rainbow is not a majestic masterpiece of nature, rather an interplay of diffraction and reflection. The speedometer gets an additional vector to represent the direction as well. Bugs make way into the computer screens, shunning their conventional habitats. Salts are no more a mere ingredient of a mouth-watering dish, instead by-products of chemical reactions. And light does not travel in a straight line anymore.
Students still have an option to choose a different career path after school, but no, the daredevils that they are, engineering is the way to go. If you have a keen eye, you’ll notice that an engineering student's life has a few basic similarities to that of a soldier. He toils hard against the university, determined not to give up. He fights hard against the university’s advanced weapons (read minors, majors, practicals, viva and all). The wounded ones, crippled with backlogs (supplementary etc.), still strive ahead riding on a strong will to survive. The thrill is their inspiration. ‘Backless’ is a pleasurable term for engineering boys in two contexts – when a girl’s gown is involved and when a B.Tech degree is involved. A backlog is an ornament, a battle scar the students show off as a mark of pride.
A course in engineering teaches you to control your intelligence. The very same power to reason, which was suppressed when you filled your admission forms, is brought out during the examination seasons. It’s amazing how a person whose knowledge of current affairs is limited to the first page of the newspapers, completes a technical book after just a few hours’ worth of effort, laboring day and night nevertheless.


Sahil ke sukun se humein inkar to nahi ae dost,                                                    
Magar toofanon mein kashti nikalne ka maza hi kuch aur hota hai.
An engineer is a commendable addition to a society. Not merely for his mettle, but for the hardships he endures during his college days (just kidding of course). Those four years are capable of sucking the very life out of anyone, even Rajnikant if you may. 'Ticks' are small blood-sucking parasites. In that sense, a course in engineering may well be called Bachelor of Ticknology (B.Tick). Even more terrifying is a hostel-dwelling engineering student. It’s a common saying, “hostel mein admission insaan leta hai, lekin graduate ek darinda hota hai.
Anyhow, this is not a sad narration of a loser, just an account of the life non-engineers are spared of. This is just the tip of the iceberg, because Archimedes’ principle. Once you get used to this life, it’s more fun than it seems anyway. If books terrify you, try B.Tech.
"Mechanical sab ka baap hai, 
Computer Science sab ki maa hai,
Civil pardada hai, Electrical pardadi hai,
Electronics sauteli maa hai 
aur baki bache branch inke bacche hain"

Sunday, 5 January 2014

A Guide to Cyber-Stalking


Stalking is a science. And every science is a subtle form of art. So is stalking. It takes some amount of practice to be able to transform into an invisible hawk, gliding effortlessly amidst countless profiles on the social network. Now that is one necessity of stalking – stealth about which you will be enlightened in the coming few paragraphs.
Before we dig any deeper, it would be wise to familiarize ourselves with some technical terms concerned with the field of stalking.
Stalker – the culprit, the one who indulges in stalking irrespective of the self-interest or the lack of it involved.
Stalkee – the one being stalked, the target (crush, crush ka boyfriend whatever)
Friendliness (F) – a Boolean expression which evaluates to TRUE if the stalkee is a friend (connection or follower) of the stalker and FALSE otherwise.
Read the rest of the thesis on Campusghanta.

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