Wednesday, 19 February 2014

Rahul Gandhi promises empowerment of Indian bowlers if elected, reporter paralysed


New Delhi. With the political campaign effectively in turmoil and the chances of securing a win in the upcoming Lok Sabha elections hovering between zero and zero, Congress’s poster bwoy is leaving no stone unturned in the run up to the decisive votes.
In a recent rally in the suburbs of someplace-not-on-the-map, addressing to a crowd of 44, Rahul Gandhi promised that the Indian bowlers will be “uplifted from the current disastrous state of embarrassing failures and off the charts economy rates.” He emphasized on the need for empowerment and how it will help the country progress to a better growing nation.
He mentioned that his party has been working tirelessly since the birth of the country towards the upliftment of bowling. He stressed on the need for youth empowerment in the bowling department and that India needs young 40-year old youngsters in the team. He also promised that an RTI bill will be passed that will ensure transparency in the selection process, albeit in conjunction with the BCCI.
When reminded that batting collapses have also been a major reason for the team’s failure, he explained what Rahul Gandhi thinks of the national team. “Vishy anand has been the best bowler in the side for a long time. His left arm swing has been highly effective on foreign soils. And we need more youngsters like Yuki Devvarman who can stay on the pitch and score at the same time.”
His address ended with him backing his party’s governance over the past decade and that Manmohan Singh is the best skipper any team has had within their ranks.
[This reporter has suffered partial paralysis after attempting suicide half a dozen times following this rally.]


Also published on Faking News.

Thursday, 13 February 2014

Valentine's Week Decoded.

A singleton’s greatest envy, a committed one’s nightmare, Archie’s week of revenue - the annual valentine’s locha is back. The market place, colleges, restaurants are flooded with couples who can’t get enough of each other and us singles of the Forever Alone Club are puzzled over some of the most unusual pairings.

Anyway, here we are counting down the reality behind the Valentine’s week schedule in the absence of another human to spend the time with…

Rose Day…
There’s a reason why a red colored flower is chosen for this special day. It is the color for danger. It was selected after carefully going over all the intricate details. Cupid himself gives you one final warning on the very first day of the Valentine’s fiasco. But as they say “pyar saala andha hota hai, aur pyar karne wala……

Propose Day…
“Aa bail mujhe maar”, as simple as that. It is on this officially designated day that a guy voluntarily agrees to fuck his own wallet, and not just metaphorically. Guy proposes, the lady disposes (more often than naught).

Chocolate Day…
chocolate day
deta hoon
The real situation is not much different from this sorry PJ. The days of milkybar, 5 star are passé. Today’s generation prefers Bournville, badi wali. For those who have their hearts broken the previous day, they can skip this shit right to the 15th Feb.

Teddy Bear Day…
… it’s a reason not to sleep with a guy. For some reason, teddys are a better alternative to humans being your sleeping partners.

Promise Day…
I seriously question its necessity. This is a day on which the planet receives an overdose of lies. Both the male and female parties know nothing you promise is ever truth. But still guys get their creative best and an ‘awww’ reply from the girl is your stamp.

Kiss Day..
Why waste a whole meaningless week before getting to the real deal ?? Why not skip to this day directly ?? On this very auspicious day, you get to know what her lip gloss tastes like. Yes, go ahead and have fun.

Hug Day…
Say this out loud in the rural parts of the country and you will be escorted to the nearest Sulabh or non-Sulabh sauchalaya. But in the urban parts, it has a special significance. If you have successfully made it to this day without much of a scene, you have it in your rights to get your hopes up.

Valentine’s Day…
People get laid on this day. This day is the reason we have children’s day on 14th Nov, nine months down the line. We had a naughty first Prime Minister must say. I seriously propose Rakshabandhan on 14th February. Let them fight it out what it’s gonna be.

After this chaotic and hectic week, life’s back to normal. The days of ignoring each other, regularly scheduled fights for ignoring each other come back.

Restaurants are a tough place for a singleton to receive a respectable customer service during the week. Just the other day I was sitting in a Dominos with my two single friends. We were the only single triplets in the entire outlet of two floors. On top of that, we had to endure the hardship of receiving our own orders while the couples had theirs delivered right on the tables. Sad thing really.

Chalo job hi hai, Happy Valentine’s Day.

Sunday, 9 February 2014

AAPenium - The Chemical Analysis

Scientists, for a change Indian scientists, have discovered a new element. It’s been referred to as AAPenium (Ap) due to its peculiarly similar properties with the Delhi government. It is highly energetic and has characteristically unreliable properties collectively termed as the “U-Turn phenomenon.” Due to this, the researchers are having a tough time placing the newest discovery accurately on the periodic table.
Atomic number – 7
Atomic weight – 36
Melting point – corruption
Boiling point – corruption
Schematicky_atom
Read more at Campusghanta.

Wednesday, 5 February 2014

Fear


‘Be fearless’, ‘Never be afraid’ and some similar mottos are some of the most flawed ideologies. Fear is one of the most substantial traits of a person. A daredevil stuntman seems fearless, but in reality he has learnt to overcome his fears. There is difference, a considerable one, between the two. Only the fittest survive in this world. And fear is one necessity of that ‘fitness’.

Now it must be puzzling. We have been taught to be fearless form the earliest moment we could remember. But the real lesson beneath that is to overcome your fear. A thing like fearlessness doesn’t exist, unless it is medical condition. Face your fears - as highly intellectual it sounds; it can also be painfully stupid depending on the situation. If your fear is being eaten alive by a carnivore, you wouldn’t want to face a lion or tiger now would you?? If your fear is being shot dead, you wouldn’t want to be facing the nozzle of a loaded gun. Do face your fear, you are most welcome. Just choose wisely. If public speaking is your fear, face it as it won’t probably kill you.

Fear keeps you grounded. It forces you rationalize your thoughts, to take into account all the possible outcomes and consequences of your decision to face or avoid fear. If you have an assignment due tomorrow, your brain consciously or subconsciously evaluates the pros versus the cons of not doing it. You are internally motivated to not complete it, but your brain over rides what the heart wants and forces you out of your bed. Your fear just saved some crucial marks from going to the bin.

Fear keeps you alive, into the game for a bit longer. Don’t be fearless, just learn to control it.

[Coming from someone who is yet to watch a significant horror flick :D]

Tuesday, 4 February 2014

The 64-Squared Battlefield


So yes, we will be talking about chess for a while. Care to join??

It is a miniaturized version of a battlefield. It does sound a bit creepy to some, but it originated in India, what can you do?? The very impression a person gets from chess is that it is an awfully boring game. Well, that it is if your idea of fun is a Salman Khan movie. The game challenges your mental strength, forces you to analyze and you have to take into account all the possible outcomes of your moves – some traits difficult to contain in the same brain. Ironically, chess originated in the land of Bollywood whose very reason of existence is idiocy.

Chess’s very basic requirements are a chess board, 32 pieces (16 of each colour), and two persons ready to stretch their mental agility to its limits. The various pieces are King, Queen, Rooks, Bishops, Knights and pawns. And in desi terminology, they become raja, rani, haathi, oont, ghoda and pyaade. The rules of the game aren’t very difficult to understand – the king moves only one square, the queen can move any number of squares in any directions, so on and so forth. The real deal, however, is to outperform your opponent by skillful applications of those rules.

The game may end by voluntary resignations of an opponent, or it may end on reaching a ‘checkmate’ – well that simply is the most musical word of the game. A draw is also a possible result. There are also some technicalities like the Catalan, Slav defense, Sicilian defense but let me not bore you with them. Grandmaster is the highest title a chess player can attain. They are the baap of chess players, truly.

It is commonly presumed that fun and chess are as far apart as the sun is from earth. But in reality, fun and chess are occupants of two adjacent rooms who rarely happen to run into each other. If you ask me if chess can be enjoyable, then meri taraf se bahut bada haan. Yes would be my answer. But my idea of fun may be very different from yours. I like challenging my brain. Movies like Jai Ho, Krissh3 make me question the process of evolution. But I admit, chess can be pretty boring for the majority. It tends to be a long game and all you have to do is stare at some funny figures and visualize the next moves. But once you get the hang of it, you start appreciating the beauty of it.

There is an awesome website sparkchess.com that lets you play chess online with another human in a 3D visual. Or as an alternative, you can try the real life chess. Go buy a chess board and see for yourself. It’s already an honor if you have come this far in the article.

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