Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Congressional Honour and Ultimate Talented Indians Year-end Awards (C.H.U.T.I.Y.A)

With due credits to and respect for Congress, we present the Year-end awards for chutiyap and pseudo-chutiyap in fields ranging from negative infinity to positive infinity. Read on, have fun and look for these characters in the year to come…
The Banjo-Macho Award For Language…
Virat Kohli
He deserves this honor hands down. He has represented the typical Delhi-ites on a global level and he gets this award for his contribution to promoting the Delhi-ite’s culture every time he reaches a landmark figure. His trademark finger salute gets a special mention too.
Shri Shri 108 Lord Sir Ravindra Jadeja ji Maharaj Award For Cricketing Brilliance…
Rohit Sharma
Graduating from a 2-min Maggi-man to pushing Sachin Tendulkar to a third spot on a record list, this award goes to Rohit Sharma for his breathtaking innings of 209(158) against Australia. Guru Jadeja would be so proud.
The ‘Joker’ Award For Cinematic Excellence…
Vivek Oberoi
Fending off tough competition from the likes of stalwarts Uday Chopra and Abhishek Bachhan, Vivek Oberoi takes home this award for his unparalleled role in this year’s blockbuster amalgam of X-men and bullshit – Krissh 3.
Read more at Campusghanta.

Sunday, 22 December 2013

Countdown to the ‘Battle’ - The End Semester Exams


10 days to go...
(‘nervousness’ rating - 0)
No worries baby. 6 subjects, 10 days... Wait, one exam has a 3-day break, and one has a 2-day break. This precious preparatory leave won’t be wasted on those two stupid subjects. So it’s down to 4 subjects, 10 days. I am so going to nail this semester :D!!

9 days to go...
('nervousness’ rating – 0.2)
Sleep. Breakfast. Sleep. Lunch. Sleep. Have a look at the syllabus.
Movie. Dinner. Sound sleep. Oh yeah !!

8 days to go…
(‘nervousness’ rating – 0.5)
“Bro, what’s the best book for Digital ?”
“Syllabus hai usme complete ?”
kahan milegi ?
                  …
oye, kahan jaa raha hai ?”
“Books kharidne :l”

7 days to go…
(‘nervousness’ rating – 1.0)
The target is set to something like ‘5 topics per subject’. All that is accomplished is one topic of the easiest subject, that too without the numerical part of it. Efficiency is low no doubt, but at least it’s not zero.

6 days to go…
(‘nervousness’ rating – 1.8)
Probably this is when we come to terms with the lingering danger and the magnitude of it. When we realize it’s less than a week to go and we haven’t covered any significant, worthwhile topic, it’s bound to numb the brain. But that’s the trigger. This realization is what that helps us in getting our acts together and start worshipping the books again.

5 days to go…
(‘nervousness’ rating – 2.7)
This is the point beyond which the ‘fati padi hai’ rating starts skyrocketing. Every passing minute seems precious. Some are even willing to skip a meal or two to devote the time to books. We think it will help, but the time saved is wasted making rough, mental timetables and resolutions for the next semester.

4 days to go…
(‘nervousness’ rating – 4.0)
Now with just 4 days remaining, it’s a dilemma whether to study for the first exam or try the subject having not more than a single day of relaxation. And the day passes with none of the subjects touched.

3 days to go…
(‘nervousness’ rating – 5.9)
These 3 days are dedicated solely to the first exam. The rest of the exams are doomed unless something magical happens during the night before the tests.

2 days to go…
(‘nervousness’ rating – 8.1)
Slowly, our brain starts functioning again when the rust has been removed during the previous few days. The syllabus which seemed pretty casual turns into a herculean task to complete. Laptops are switched off, mobiles are put off senseless gossiping (bakchodi) is cut out.

1 day to go…
(‘nervousness’ rating – 10.3)
Lut gaye, barbaad ho gaye. Ab kuch nahi ho sakta.  
We could see our life’s flashback in front of our eyes. All hopes steadily come down to close. Luckily, if we had covered a few topics during the minors, we revise them and leave the rest.

Tuesday, 17 December 2013

Inspired by Kejriwal’s letter, engineering student sends his conditions to the university for appearing in majors

New Delhi. The political deadlock in Delhi concerning the formation of government and Kejriwal’s letter to both Congress and BJP is closely monitored by the media and the public alike.
Inspired by his letter, a final year Mechanical Engineering student, Rahul Vadra has sent a letter to the Chancellor of the Champ University in which he mentions 18 conditions and asks for them to be agreed upon else he won’t sit in the majors due next month.
The gist has been published below…

Dear Chancellor,
Champ University.
You recently released the date-sheet for the majors and offered me unconditionally to appear for the exams, but I didn’t ask for the exams to be scheduled, did I??
I will appear for the said exams only if you would kindly clarify your stand regarding the following issues and the conditions I would like being addressed.
1.       Internal marks must be increased…
Why did you give me 5 marks out of 25 and then expect me to study hard and then appear for the exams hoping to pass, which we all know won’t happen in this lifetime? I need at least 22 marks in all subjects.
2.       50 marks to start with…
I need assurance that I will get 50 marks upfront (which are the passing marks incidentally) in all papers, no questions asked.

Saturday, 14 December 2013

Kejriwal's Letter to Sonia Gandhi


Desh ki maa Sonia Gandhiji,
Wassup ??

Anyway, you and your pet party said sometime back that you lot are ready to provide us with unconditional support. But our guys didn’t ask for anything like that, did we? Then what’s with this offer of yours. Our party was born to end your reign and your scams and the un-kept promises.

Your Sheila Dikshit ruled the national capital for 15 years, since when we were -14 years old. unke to naam mein hi shit hai. You crafted that little CWG scam of yours and the conmen worldwide were put to shame. Your promises to the people of the country remained just that – promises. Then why now have you offered us the support??

As far as we can see, your only aim is to form the government anyway possible and then backstab the faith the voters have trusted us with. But that ain’t happening unless you clarify your stand regarding the following issues that need answering…

1. Rahul Gandhi
Why don’t you guys send him to Pakistan or something so that India may benefit at their cost and you might get a couple of extra votes? I mean seriously, what you were thinking sending him to rally for Congress. Were you insane??

2. What’s the deal with your spokespersons??
I mean, Digvijay Singh, Manish Tewari, Kapil Sibal et al. Iran sent a monkey to space so please do ask your spokespersons to volunteer for India’s own mission on similar lines. See if aliens like them or not. This is an important issue we must agree to.

3. Stop fucking the nation. Take a break.
Matlab, itni jaan laate kahan se ho yaar?? You guys start humping as soon you form the government and your desperation is visible this time around too. Believe me, it’s disgusting. If we do accept your support to form the government, your party animals won’t be allowed to touch themselves, or anyone else for that matter.

4. PM candidate - kab, kahan, kaun ??
Its less than 6 months to go and you are still unsure of whom to put forth. Manmohan has been the best bet these two terms, but he won’t stand another round I guess. And if you think Rahul Gandhi is the next best option, you are doomed for life lady, trust me. Take that as friendly reminder and do address the issue ASAP.

5. Women Protection Bill
Considering what happened to Sheila ji and what seems destined to happen to you as well, women’s security should be your top priority. Like this if you agree.

We’ll WhatsApp and email you the rest of the document with detailed summary of the conditions we think would be fair to start thinking about your generous offer for unconditional support. Do clarify your stand. To quote Arnab, “The nation wants to know.”
Do reply ASAP and like our Facebook page and follow us on Twitter.

Thank you,
AAPka Baap,
Kejri.

Friday, 13 December 2013

Cricket and it's Avatars

In a country obsessed with cricket, you cannot deny them the thrill of the game. Cricket is said to be one of the most expensive game on the planet, but only at the professional level. The million fans have eventually designed and perfected numerous ways to enjoy the game, some without even having to walk out into the ground. ‘jugaad’ is the technique used. Humaare yahan to PM bhi jugaad se select karti hai congress. Anyway, here are some of the forms of cricket that I know of, feel free to add more…

Gully cricket,
It’s tough to arrange the cricket equipment, the wickets, the ground and other gear. But we were never bogged down by such petty constraints. And here enters gully cricket. The only necessity is a ball; other requirements like bat, ground and wickets are arrange-able depending on the available resources.

Bat – if available, fair enough, else we can use any pseudo-bat with length ranging from 0.5 to 1.0 m. Parts of broken furniture of furniture broken for the specific purpose. I have played cricket with branches of coconut trees.
Ground – so what is we don’t have a stadium to suit our needs, the world’s a playground. Any space will do – parking lots (a vehicle or two doesn’t matter), football grounds, the hallway or even the confines of a room.
Wickets – bricks, tree branches, shoes, chair, dustbin and if unavailable draw the wickets on a wall.

The rules of gully cricket are modifiable to fit the ground constraints (1 tip out, direct bahar jaana out, 3 miss hona out etc.)

Video games,
These are an alternative and widely popular. Those who have crawled upto this piece of writing must be familiar with the concept of virtual cricket, so no point trying to show-off. They are closest to the real thing in the complete sense and packs in the comfort of your home. EA Cricket and Brian Lara cricket rule the market.

Finger cricket,
It’s played on the lines of scissors-paper-stone, an ingenious invention bumping off the need of any equipment whatsoever. All you need are a pair of hands belonging to different persons with fingers intact. The batsman and the bowler flip their fingers simultaneously and it’s a dismissal only if both correspond to the same score. Other than that it’s a run-feast. 1 finger means 1 run, 2 fingers means 2 runs and so on and the thumb means a sixer!!

 Leg cricket,
In the absence of a bat, the Neanderthal fans started using their limbs as one. The style of bowling consists of underarm-along-the-ground deliveries and they are fend-off by hitting it with the leg. There are a lot of close-in fielders present unless it’s Hulk himself you are bowling to. It’s surprising to see the batsmen evolve with their square-cuts and on-drives with their legs!! Anyway, other rules, whichever applicable, are the same as the professional cricket.

Book cricket,
From the looks of it, this was the brainchild of some nerdy cricket fans. It consists of opening the book at random and the last digit of the page number on the even side gets translated to runs on the scoreboard. Even side is chosen because a ‘0’ sends you back to the pavilion, according to the popular convention. An ‘8’ means a dot ball. Rules are changeable to suit requirements. It’s an open-source format of cricket, so to say.

Parchi cricket,
This one is a great time-pass too, albeit a bit tedious. You are required to prepare small chits with various terms and runs written on each individual one (1 run, 4 runs, LBW, runout, catchout, wide, noball etc.). The player on-strike calls out instruction like ‘4th card from the top (or bottom)’ and the instruction on the card is equivalent to your performance on the pitch. It’s an advantageous format compared to others as penalty, handling the ball etc. become possible here.


Well, take your pick and get busy. Or better, design your own format and apply for the patent. Hindustan mein cricket kisi maidaan ya balle ka mohtaaj nahi hai. We are a cricket crazy nation not without a reason. All you football maniacs, I dare you to come up with something like that. Good luck.

Monday, 9 December 2013

The Kraken !!


It started raining heavily. Fierce winds started blowing all of a sudden. The glass windows broke down on impact. All of us were drenched in fear, sitting on our respective seats. 
Then we heard what we had been dreading the entire time.
The director screamed on top of his voice,"RELEASE THE KRAKEN". With a pounding heart, all eyes jammed on the lab's entrance gate.

With a loud bang, the door cracked open....
.
.
.

Sunday, 8 December 2013

The Battle of Seat

‘‘Excuse me, can I have that seat, it’s reserved for ladies.'' a pretty lady, somewhat my age but way too cute, owned that voice.
‘‘Not legally''. I mumbled, overcoming the force of attraction exerted by her face.
‘‘Am sorry??'' She said.
‘‘Yeah, I said this seat is not reserved by law, just a privilege. I am not giving it up. Do you believe in equality??'' I asked.
‘‘Of course I do. Now...''
‘‘Then keep standing. You look pretty young and capable of doing that. There I am offering you equality.'' I am not too proud of that tone of mine.
She breathed a curse I didn't care about, and left.

Saturday, 7 December 2013

The Life of Bollywood


A clear sunny morning turned eventful when the famous Bollywood ran into his long lost friend and ex, Script.

“Hey Bollywood, long time, how are you??” said Script, just for the sake of a conversation.
“Pretty good. You??” frowned Bollywood, looking away, trying his best to ignore her, just like he has been for the past so many years.
“I am good too. Never better. Actually I am working with Hollywood now. You know you could’ve…”
“I DON’T NEED YOU” yelled Bollywood, cutting her statement midway. “Just so you know, I am doing very well without you. I am popular here”
“Yeah I’ve heard. Those people would even pay to watch a pig fight. You aren’t that good, know that.”
And with that, they parted ways. Bollywood looked back at her, with just a touch of remorse. He may act like he doesn’t care, but deep down somewhere, even he knows, Bollywood needs Script.
...

Few years later...
A phone rings.
Voice mail.

“Hey Script, (pause) I am really sorry for last week.. and the past few years.. umm.. I shouldn’t have been such a jerk. (pause) I guess .. err ..  I think we should give our relationship another chance..err..  if you do want to, of course. (long pause) I think we can work a way out. (pause) Give me a call back as soon as you can. I miss you. Err.. it’s Bollywood.”

There was never a call back.
It wasn’t meant to be.

Friday, 6 December 2013

Religion ??


Religion - an extremely confusing word in my dictionary. What does it mean?? What defines religion?? What constitutes a religion?? These are some important questions that have led to me being an agnostic. What is the prerequisite for a religion to exist?? Is it a mythological heritage, which in reality may not be anything more than someone’s greatest work of imagination?? Or just the belief that someone out there keeps a watch on all the good and bad deeds??

A lot of coincidences are attributed to divine interventions, dismissing all the available logic. As a society, we were never fond of logic anyway. I always have had a hard time standing in front of an idol, and praying with closed eyes. That, for me, is laziness and a pessimistic lack of confidence in one’s own abilities. According to some popular preaching, God helps those who help themselves. Then by asking the almighty for some extra marks, money and blessings defies the very sentiment of the statement. A little faith in oneself, in one’s own power and capabilities more than makes up for the fact that you need someone’s blessings to accomplish a task.

Why then are we required, by social convention, to try and please a deity which is nothing more than a rock figure we have surrendered ourselves to?? A religion is nothing more than story developed to answer what science can’t. The universe wasn’t created by a God, nor will it come to end due to one, and he certainly doesn’t control and command the weather and the rains.

There is no hell, only the obnoxious reality we live in. And heaven is just some optimist's overly creative imagination.

Kenya sues team India for copyright infringement; says India copied their style of play.


Johannesburg.  After the recent loss to South Africa in the first one day of the series, it comes as an additional blow to the wounds of defeat that Kenya’s cricket board is suing the Indian team for copying their style of play.
Copycats
Copycats
The laziness on the field, the clueless batting and the directionless bowling has been a trademark feature of Kenya’s international cricket matches.
In the first one-day against the pink Proteas, India’s strategy and play had a striking resemblance to that of Kenya’s. In a report released by the Kenya’s cricket board, they have mentioned the unique style of the Kenyans and the similarities with India’s innings in detail, a copy of which was sent to the Faking News headquarters.
Analyzing the Indian performance, the report said that Rohit Sharma was afraid to touch the ball with his bat as he feared contracting the HIV virus, a clear indication that he bunked the sex education classes in school.
Yuvraj Singh seemed upset being woken up from his mid-match nap and went back to the pavilion soon after he was forced on the field by the team management. MS Dhoni’s yet another innings was an exact copy of what Steve Tikolo played multiple times for Kenya and the Kenyan board has decided to file a separate case against Dhoni.
Before that, India were Kock-ed by a great innings, which according to the detailed summary released by the board, “was a mockery of our matches when we used to be brutalized for no apparent reasons.”
An excerpt from the report, “India’s bowling in the first one-day international, dated 5thDecember, 2013, was in clear violation of the copyright laws as defined by the joint patent by Kenya, Bangladesh and Zimbabwe and we are left with no other option but fight back for what is truly our heritage.”
No official from the BCCI could be reached for comment, however this journalist heard frantic laughter from the BCCI office as soon as the news was released.
MS Dhoni, in a press release, has apologized to the Kenyan public for hurting their sentiments and added that since it was only the first game of the series, it will take them some time to come up with a unique losing style of their own.

Also published on Faking News.

Thursday, 5 December 2013

Oh no... Studies


What motivates one to study?? What exactly?? I have been a student all my life and after all these years, I am still flummoxed by the question. I have tried multiple times to put forth the same question in front of the toppers that I know, you know, just to get a hint of the process that might allow me to study and secure reasonable percentage, if not top every exam. But a magician never reveals his secrets, right?? And my topper friends have done the same; they have ducked and dodged this question and I am left with no options but to lie there and procrastinate about studying.

I have planned a lot, these past years, to have a regular timetable of sorts. But I procrastinate with professionalism, and have never come close to implementing my over-ambitious timetables. And I do not regret my failure to force myself into a regular study mode until a day before the exams loom over the head. I am of the view that off-days, preparatory leaves or holidays in general have done more harm towards studying than tight deadlines. Contrary to the normal reaction of my friends on hearing about holidays between exams, I tend to fear those holidays. I work better under pressure, so does a large part of the student community. Given a complete year to prepare, we won’t pick up our books until a day or two before the scheduled exams. Defying all logic, we all somehow manage to sneak through and snatch the required passing marks from under the examiner’s noses. This success goes to our head and we start trusting our intelligence, which in reality is a different case altogether.

I want to study, regularly. At least I want the strength to stare into a pile of books for hours and squeeze out couple of hours of productive output from it. A lot of my ambitions rely on the mark-sheet and so far, it is not very impressive. I lack motivation and the will. I have never been a very dedicated student and with the indications, I will never be. I lose interest in anything if I am compelled to do it. I have my interests but when you assign an examination at the end of it, something goes awfully wrong. Like everyone else, I love a good, impressive mark-sheet but electronics comes in the way.

Damn you internet, and laptops, and cellphone. Just kidding, I love you all.

Tuesday, 3 December 2013

The New Virgin





सूत्रों के हवाले से खबर आई है कि सलमान ने कहा है कि वो virgin हैं, और वो भी Coffee with Karan show पर, करण जोहर के सामने| हम उनके इस कथन का, उनकी भावनाओं का सम्मान करते हैं| और … बस अब और रोका नही जाता...  hahahahahahahahahahahahaha :D
   
Ahem, anyway, मेरे नादान मित्रों के मन में एक भारी प्रश्न उठ रहा होगा की आख़िर virgin किस चिड़िया का नाम है ?? यदि ये प्रश्न आप अपने माता-पिता के सामने रखें तो संभवत: आपके खाने-पीने, TV देखने, खेलने आदि पर रोक लगा दी जाए| ऐसे ही प्रश्नों के उत्तर देने के लिए Google का जन्म हुआ था| तो आइए जानते हैं… दरअसल, 
virgin ऐसे प्राणी को कहाँ जाता है जिसने अपने जीवन में कभी संभोग ना किया हो| 
अब आपके मन में उमड़ रहा प्रश्न लाज़मी है की एक airline व mobile company को virgin नाम देकर उन्हे संभोग के सुख से वंचित क्यूँ रखा जा रहा है ?? इस प्रश्न का सही उत्तर केवल Sir Richard Branson के ही पास है|

 किंतु मुद्दे की बात तो ये है की 47 वर्षीय सलमान ख़ान के इस बयान में कितनी सच्चाई है ?? सलमान भारत की प्रमुख खानों में से एक हैं (इन्ही के लिए Gangs of Wasseypur आपस में भीड़ गयीं थी)| वे वर्षों से देश के सबसे पसंदीदा कलाकारों में से एक रहे हैं(God knows why ??)| उन्होने सिनेमा जगत जी गरम से गरम युवतियों के साथ बड़े पर्दे पर नृत्य-संगीत में भाग लिया है| वे dudeपंति एवं भाईगिरी के जीते-जागते उदाहरण हैं| 

  विश्व-सुंदरी Aishwarya Rai (now Bachhan) और युवाओं के दिलों की धड़कन Katrina Kaif इनकी प्रेमिका रहीं हैं| ये जानने के पस्चात यह पचाना असंभव हो जाता है कि Salman virgin हैं| यदि ये सत्य है तो उम्र के इस पढ़ाव पर उनके लिए ‘now or never’ वाली स्थिति खड़ी हो जाती है| हमारी तो यही दुआ है की सलमान की virgnity को जल्द ही किसी की नज़र लग जाए और साला ये drama ही ख़तम हो|
  
 विडंबना तो ये है की सलमान virgin हैं और आसाराम नहीं|



Sunday, 1 December 2013

A Kid at the Store


I saw him enter the store. He was looking at the surroundings with suspicion, as if he had seen the articles on display for the very first time. He looked at every passing stranger from the corner of his eyes, his head bent down the entire time. Occasionally he would  touch his ear, nose and head in a strikingly similar pattern.
The manager saw him too. He instructed me to follow and keep an eye on him.

He walked down to the cosmetics department, held out his hand and picked up a perfume bottle without sparing even a glance at it. The manager called me for a while and I lost sight on him. A while later I saw him sitting on the stairs, spraying the perfume on the CDs he must have picked from the computers department.
People passed by, laughing at his antics. 

"What kind of idiot sprays perfume on CDs ??" exclaimed a person laughing hysterically.
By then, we all knew he was harmless. I still stood there looking at him. He was innocent, some 15 year old teenager. 
"See..see.. da..dad, now Alex wo.. can't play on his.. comp.. uter. You won't get an... gry no.. now." he stammered. 
His father took him away, after paying for the damaged CD.

The kid had an accident last summer, severing his brain. We learnt that later.


How to get a girl’s contact number ??


Well, it’s an art. Girls are very sensitive when it comes to their phone numbers. Just so you know, in your relationship with a girl, and by relationship I am mean the friend-zoned guys too, destiny has allocated just a couple of seconds when you can ask for her number. You have to identify that time zone and slip in your request in just the nick of time. A second here and there and you may well be branded a pervert or asshole. This brings us to an all important question – how the hell do we get a girl’s personal mobile no. ?? Excerpts from my extensive research thesis on the subject…
1. Something called stalking.. 
It’s a widely popular trick used by all, from wannabe boyfriends to existing boyfriends trying to explore other options. Select a target, keep an eye on her Facebook, Twitter accounts. Assuming she is smart enough, you won’t find a detail as personal as a mobile no. on display. Count your lucky stars if you manage to catch one still. Since Google+ is new in the market, she may be struggling with the privacy settings. Here is when you strike.

Continue Reading for the rest of the thesis on Campughanta.

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